Speaking my Mind Out Loud and Thoughts

I just keep telling myself I’m fine…

emokidwilleatyoualive:

… Because whatever I do will never be good enough to make someone proud for once.

I honestly thought I would be away from this blog since is where I write my depressing thoughts… But I’m back. Tonight I feel depressed, scared, anxious, and I’m shaking a lot. I want to cut and kill myself. I don’t know what to do, and I just want to end it all again. I thought I wouldn’t feel like this after what happened, but I was wrong. I’m suicidal once again…

Sometimes I feel like my friends don’t like me, but they just don’t want to tell me.

I still miss you. I think I still even love you. I thought I didn’t, but I lied. I lied to myself and everyone. Seeing your pictures or hearing someone say your name (even if they don’t mean you), just makes me think of you and all the time we were together and everything’s just gone. In seconds we were nothing. It really hurts to know that you’ve made up your mind and don’t wanna know anything about me. Literally. You’re over me, don’t want to talk to me, see me… Nothing. I feel like something stabs my heart everyday and leaves a big empty hopeless hole. That hole is your love. It’s missing and it’ll be missing forever because I know I’ve lost you. There’s no way I’ll ever be with you again and it kills me alive to have to accept that fact. When I found out you snook out of your house to see your friend like at 2 in the morning (whom you really like) and knowing you never did that for me; made me feel like nothing, because all the time we were together you were scared to get caught, and with him… You weren’t.

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Suicide note…

I’m sorry you had to find me like this. I’m sorry to all the people I hurt. I know this is painful, but if I killed myself was because of all this pain I couldn’t take anymore and didn’t know how to handle. It was too much. I never really told the people I’m close to how I felt, except for a few. I didn’t want attention. I know some of you are probably crying and I’m sorry, I really am. Not all people are happy, even if they smile and laugh… I was one of those. I thought about killing myself for about 4 - 5 years… I thought life would change; but it didn’t. It kept getting worse and worse… Now I’m laying here. Dead; and you’re standing there not knowing what to do. I know this is hard but it was harder for me to make a decision like this. I often thought and talked about death, but none of you ever took me seriously. You people would just make fun of me whenever I said I wanted to join a sport or the marines. All of you made me feel insecure about myself until it got to the point where I didn’t know if I should just say something or stay quite because I didn’t want you to judge me or make fun of me. I know this wasn’t the best choice, but I just couldn’t live with this pain anymore. I’m not perfect. I wasn’t a happy child. People always kept saying things would be ok or they’d get better, and now look! Look at you standing here staring at my restless body. Depression got to me. Death was my only way out. I used to be scared of death, but then I realized death wasn’t that bad. I wouldn’t suffer anymore and I’d be set free, so I stopped caring about life. The people I loved left me. The girl I fell in love with broke my heart and left me. Friends… Left me after they fucked me over… Nothing is meant to be forever, and like one person who was always in my heart said, “nothing lasts forever” and yes, we all have to die someday. Well today is the day I had to. I had dreams, but life was too hard to keep living for. I didn’t want to keep living when all I had in me was pain and sadness. I was never ok. Whenever people asked (which was random) I’d tell them I was ok, but I really wasn’t. I sat there every night, crying, wishing I was dead. I cut myself a lot of times, taking the pain out on my body. That isn’t a pretty life, so I gave up. Do me a favor and live your life to the fullest; don’t end up like me. People don’t die from suicide… They die from sadness / depression.